When I first was introduced to the concept of body grief, it resonated so completely with me as a way to name an experience that many of my clients go through as part of their journey to health. Whether it’s the experience of the menopause transition, or metabolic disorders that impact hormones, or autoimmune conditions that challenge how we function, changes in how our body takes up space in the world are familiar to many women. And frankly, those changes can be challenging.

Body grief refers to mourning losses or changes related to the size, shape, or function of your body. This might look like grieving the body you used to have, or lamenting the loss of an “ideal” body you hoped to achieve. Or your body may respond differently than you’d like -- maybe injuries, illness, or aging have curtailed the types of activities you used to enjoy.

Body grief can be wrapped up in feelings of shame, disappointment, and failure. But I’m here to say -- YOU haven’t failed! Social, cultural, and even medical messaging have failed you.

Back in the 60’s, Swiss-American psychologist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross outlined the Five Stages of Grief that we’re all familiar with. Here they are, modified and applied to the concept of body grief:

1.    DENIAL

You may notice a change in your body, but you reject this. You might tell yourself that restricting certain foods or pushing yourself harder at the gym is the answer. You might deny yourself certain experiences, such as socializing with friends over meals, buying the kind of clothes you’d really like to wear, or participating in physical activity.

1.5 GUILT

Clients have asked me so many times if they “did something” to cause their own suffering. They want to know if they pushed themselves to injury, or if they’re dealing with chronic issues because they failed to eat the “right” foods or didn’t exercise the enough.

2.    ANGER/FRUSTRATION

WTF? You eat reasonably well (heck, sometimes you don’t eat much at all!). You exercise (you’re at the gym, rain or shine, 6 days a week!). You see other people eating foods you don’t allow yourself to have. And this is what you get??

It’s so unfair! Why did you have to get PCOS/fibromyalgia/go through menopause? Why do you keep getting injured during practice sessions or workouts? Why can’t you figure out the no-fail diet?

3.   BARGAINING

This is where people might start negotiating with themselves to try “just one more” restrictive diet – because it worked so well for a friend, so it just might be the magic solution for them, too -- or to never eat blank (insert vilified food here) again if they can just get to a certain weight or fit into their favorite jeans.

4.    DEPRESSION

As we’ve seen, grief is a rollercoaster of emotions, and deep, pervasive sadness is often at the core. Feelings of isolation – like you’re the only one who seems to be struggling — are common. (But I promise — you’re not alone!)

5.    ACCEPTANCE

Getting to acceptance means first acknowledging your grief. We’re so often given the message that our feelings don’t matter, or that there are bigger problems in the world. But your experience is valid, and your grief deserves to be recognized.

Getting to body acceptance is a process, and I don’t mean to imply that this is a fixed-point finish line. As with all the stages of grief, progress is not linear. There is no prescribed or ‘correct’ order in which to experience grief. We take steps forward, and sometimes, we take steps back – it’s part of the journey.  

In the meantime, remember:

You can’t heal a body you hate.

All grief, including body grief, can have health consequences, including exacerbating inflammation and depressing the immune system. So processing these feelings is important. Start by asking yourself some hard questions:

• How would having my ideal body make my life better?

• Would I truly have more love/friends/success?

• Can I give myself permission to live my life in the way I want even without achieving this “ideal”?

Body grief is a big topic, and one that I’m just starting to explore. In sharing some thoughts about moving through this process in a way that feels authentic to you, understand that I’m not a mental health therapist. My perspective comes from a place of curiosity about how women can begin to forge a healthier relationship with our bodies and how we nourish ourselves.

Here are a few reminders as you move through body grief:

• Be kind to yourself. You are coming face-to-face with a very vulnerable place in yourself. Embrace your emotions without judgement. Applaud your strength for being willing to do this exploration.

• Surround yourself with people who love you as you are, and with whom you can be yourself.

• Watch your self-talk. One of the biggest “A-ha!” moments in my own healing journey was learning to ask myself, “Would I say that to a friend?”. (Spoiler alert: The answer was always “Absolutely not!”.)

• Get enough rest. Of course, this means good sleep routines; but also, giving your brain a break from the work of processing emotions. Meditating, breath work, grounding, or just being in nature are restorative for your body and soul.

• Choose nourishing foods that you enjoy. Some women like warm, comforting foods like soups and stews; others have told me that salads and fruits feel refreshing and uplifting.

• Move your body, preferably outside (when possible). Studies show that physical activity helps to increase the body’s production on BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor), higher levels of which are associated with reduced symptoms of depression and higher levels of cognition.

Remember that you have choices: You get to choose whether you want to live in loss OR get to know and love the you that is right now, while being open to possibility.

My heartfelt hope is that you choose the latter.

About The Author

Stephanie Thompson is a New Orleans-based functional nutrition clinician who specializes in helping people alleviate frustrating (often mysterious) health symptoms with dietary guidance, targeted nutrients, and lifestyle modifications. She digs deep into the biochemical pathways and interconnected organ systems to find the root causes of her clients' issues for specific and sustainable relief!

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